3 reasons why a gratefulness practice is difficult

Gratitude is having its day in the sun as a simple yet immensely helpful lifestyle discipline. I have yet to find a study that counters its benefits for our mental, emotional, and physical well-being, but I’ve been curious about what the studies don’t show.

When I look at the attrition rate for a fairly uncomplicated practice, I wonder, what makes people stop? In the studies I’ve looked at, there is a 65-70% “success rate.” Meaning, a set number of people commit to writing down things they’re thankful for for a set period of time, and not all can finish the task. I can’t speak to whether anyone continued to do so after the length of the study.

In the Gratefulness Experiments I’ve led, each lasting 30 or 40 days, I have had a 20-25% drop-off rate and, even among those who complete it, most aren’t able to engage 100% of the time.

I acknowledge that I ask a lot of my participants, but I have often said, that a gratitude practice is, basically, recognizing the gifts in your life – the good things that come to you. I also believe the practice is incomplete if the practitioner is not expressing thanks to the giver of the gift(s), whether to other people or to God.

Anyone, when pressed, could find a reason to be thankful, but to be thankful consistently is the challenge.

This is not a judgment; I say repeatedly before and throughout the Gratefulness Experiment that the goal is to move the needle of gratefulness, not to have a “perfect score.” However, it has made me interested in the barriers that keep us from giving thanks.

Here are three reasons why a gratitude practice can be difficult:

1. Our understanding of gratefulness is circumstantial – and circumstances change

When people begin a gratitude practice, they first give broad strokes thanks: the warm (but not too warm) weather, a loving relationship, delicious food, or an act of kindness. Things get tricky when we are challenged to build on our list, not returning to the low-hanging fruit. That’s when the work begins.

We run into difficulty because our understanding of gratefulness is circumstantial. One might call this a “fair weather” gratitude. When the sun is out, we are thankful, but it’s much harder to see with grateful eyes on cloudy, dull days. When we have money in the bank, we are grateful, but when there are financial strains, gratitude is likely the last thing on our minds. It’s hard to see the benefits when we focus on what’s missing.

This is often where people fall off the wagon. And understandably so! When people are undergoing a crisis, it would be callous to suggest they give thanks as a first response. However, it is a personal evaluation to determine whether we are in the pattern of making a crisis of our concerns or seeing grievances rather than gifts.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances.” I think that’s the impossibility of gratefulness and the miracle of it. The miracle happens when we discover the grace of God that empowers us to be grateful in every moment.

I often talk about the supernatural gratitude I have experienced in my grief over my mom’s illness and death. It has brought me great comfort to consider the gifts of her life, the opportunity to practice caregiving, how my trust in God increased, how it brought our family together… But there have been many human moments of bitterness and regret that also enter my grief. They happen most often when I think of our future without her (i.e. how she didn’t get to be a part of my daughter’s wedding) or past regrets (i.e. how I missed opportunities to show her love.)

Surprisingly, when things are the hardest to accept, the discipline of giving thanks to God helps unveil the blessings he’s offering in those moments. I will reiterate this is not to over-ride our grief or pain, but to see the generous companionship of God in the midst of it. When we think nothing good can come of our situation, gratitude reorients us to trust in a good God.

2. A practice of gratefulness makes us confront our wounds

There are a couple of key activities in the Gratefulness Experiment that give participants pause. One is the day we thank God for our bodies. Each person is encouraged to do a head-to-toe inventory of their bodies either while showering or getting ready for the day.

Shampooing our hair, we can thank God for our scalp, the hair that grows on it, the brain inside that skull. We wash our face and thank God for our forehead, temples, ears, cheeks, nose, freckles!, lips and chin. We move to our neck and shoulders–very soon we get tripped up.

Almost immediately in this process, our thankfulness meets our complaints – my hair is thinning, I have a scalp condition, I’ve never liked my nose, I hate my double chin, I have so many wrinkles, my shoulders are sloped, that’s where the pain is… Is it possible to give thanks for the things we resent? We may have held a simmering bitterness against our body our whole life, or more recently and acutely due to an injury or change.

I used this one challenge as an example, but there are others that reveal to us the places where we have impeded God’s grace, whether self-inflicted or otherwise. We are faced with a crossroads where we decide whether we can move forward in giving thanks and perhaps discover a new way of looking at our body (timing matters greatly here, and I would never suggest anyone run roughshod over the pain and sorrow but consider it, kindly, first).

We can abandon gratefulness in those moments, or it can take an important turn. Can we be grateful that we have come up against our soul wounds? Can we believe God desires to heal and restore us?

3. Gratefulness is not only a solitary practice

Gratitude has been promoted as a solo practice, something we can quickly and easily do by ourselves. It is important to spend reflective time on our own, but to only do this on our own, is to miss a greater impact and strength of the practice. When I lead Gratefulness Experiments I am more aware and engaged in giving thanks than when I’m flying solo – this was one (selfish!) reason I started the Gratefulness Experiment. I’m challenged and inspired by the testimonies of others and called to a greater understanding of the impact of God’s grace and his gifts when it’s not only my experience I’m processing.

Together, we can dig deeper. The various members of the groups in their diversity pose important questions and bring varied experiences to the table. We can help each other see, enjoy and celebrate. Some people return to repeat the Gratefulness Experiment because they find that they lose momentum when practicing it on their own. Doing it with others strengthens and maintains their discipline.

Throughout scripture, God’s people are called to give thanks both corporately and individually. In the Old Testament, there are thanksgiving offerings to be presented separately and collectively. There are Psalms that say “I will give thanks” (Psalm 9:1-2) and “Let us come before him with thanksgiving” (Psalm 95). The same is true in the New Testament letters of Paul. In John 11:41, Jesus, before raising Lazarus from the dead, gives thanks, both believing God’s power for himself and doing so for the benefit of the people, to increase their faith.

So where can we practice gratefulness with others? There are only so many Gratefulness Experiments to go around.

You can be purposeful in asking a friend to practice gratefulness with you (sign up for my newsletter for inspiration and ideas). I also believe that the church, the body of Christ, is the ideal community where we are oriented to gratefulness. Our scriptures call us to it, and our services and gatherings lead us in prayers of thanks and praise. I can’t think of a better regular injection of collective thanks to spur you on to see and share God’s goodness in your life.

When gratitude becomes difficult, don’t think you’ve failed. You haven’t messed up or done it wrong. The challenges present an opportunity to re-engage with the practice, but at a deeper level and understanding that leads us to develop gratefulness in everything. Be curious about the barriers you’re up against and enter again when you’re ready and, ideally, with others.

God bless you as you pursue the deeper discipline of giving thanks!

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