Ingratitude often results from misunderstanding the nature of thanks, failing to see the bigger picture of our lives, or forgetting to nurture a spirit of gratefulness.
– Diana Butler Bass, Grateful
As with any spiritual practice, gratefulness has its pitfalls. We might call these fallacies, where people can use the concept of gratefulness loosely to justify behaviours that are either misaligned with or the opposite of gratefulness. It’s important to understand what gratefulness is not, so that we can understand what it is, and practice it without missing the mark.
Here are four gratefulness fallacies to look out for:
- Fallacy: Gratefulness is just a nice thing to do.
Gratitude practices have a reputation of being benign, a helpful add-on to your daily routine. It has a “take it or leave it” reputation as a soft discipline.
But all we have to do is imagine a world without gratefulness, where no one gives thanks, credits others, or offers appreciation and we can better understand the significance of the practice.
If there were no gratefulness, it would signify a world devoid of humility, generosity, and connection. There would be no trust, no honouring, no “us.” Our motivations would be self-indulgent: lust, fear, greed. There would be no giving, only taking. Without gratefulness, we would grow in narcissism and entitlement. Anything resembling a relationship would be self-serving and competitive.
It’s not so difficult to imagine a world without gratefulness because we can go through a day having experiences like this. We might reflect back on our week – this week – and consider the situations where gratefulness was missing and we felt used, manipulated, betrayed, or neglected. If we notice the key absence of gratitude in those situations, it may elevate the spiritual practice for us to one that is important and even necessary. - Fallacy: Gratefulness is the power of positive thinking.
This is not to say that there isn’t a positive aspect to giving thanks, but a pursuit of positive thinking only can diminish or skip over the realities of our painful, grievous, difficult or traumatic circumstances.
When my mom in her final stages of dementia and then passed away, the grief was painful and, at times, overwhelming. I am not thankful for her illness and death (we are to be thankful in all things not for all things). But when I practice gratefulness in the circumstances of my mother’s illness and death, I can remember the gifts from her life and even from the difficulties throughout her illness. I remember a visit with her, praying over her, and receiving the tangible sense that God loves her more than I could understand and that he was actively caring for her. I was deeply comforted and see this as a gift of God’s grace which has had profound effect on me outside of Mom’s illness, where I grew in trust in God’s love and hope for myself and others. I wouldn’t wish Mom’s illness on anyone and I wouldn’t wish away the gift from God in it.
A key component is to accept the discomfort and difficulty of our grief and pain. This isn’t trying to get over it by thinking happy thoughts, it’s receiving what God allows into our lives with thanks (because we trust him).
Instead of putting on rose-coloured glasses, gratefulness helps us put on the glasses of reality, seeing things for what they are and finding the gift in them. - Fallacy: You can shortcut gratefulness with comparison.
Although practicing gratefulness has an easy on-ramp, it also takes discipline. Giving thanks, even when we don’t feel like it, is the toughest part. We are often tempted to shortcut our way to gratefulness by comparing ourselves to someone “worse off” than ourselves. (I don’t know a mother who hasn’t tried to instill gratitude by letting them know that there are children somewhere else in this world who don’t have it as good as they do.)
This, however, is not the path to wholeheartedness one might imagine. For one, it means we buy into the fact that ultimately gratefulness is for the privileged, those with material goods, optimal, health, etc., rather than recognizing that God’s goodness is accessible and available to all by his grace.
You might remember the parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector (Luke 18) who gave thanks to God that he was not like “other people” and proceeded to list those “less than” himself, robbers, evildoers, adulterers. He pointed out the tax collector, also offering prayers in the corner, as an in-person example of his own blessed superiority. Jesus highlighted that the tax collector, not the Pharisee, was accepted by God.
Comparison can also flip the script and move us just as quickly to ingratitude when we encounter someone who we perceive to be “better off” than ourselves.
Practicing gratefulness humbly helps us open our eyes to God’s good gifts “in all circumstances;” (1 Thess. 5:18), we don’t need to conjure up what those are by elevating ourselves over others. - Fallacy: Gratefulness can be forced.
Gifts are given and received in freedom that comes from loving relationships, not self-serving and manipulative. This means we can’t force someone to be grateful. Now this gets tricky as there are civilities we should learn and extend for peaceful coexistence, but we should not just do those out of duty, but try to understand the heart of giving thanks.
I suspect we’ve all had an experience where someone has tried to impose gratitude on us. Most likely in a situation where we are under the power of a spiritual authority, either parent or minister, but the truth is that it can come from bosses, supervisors, and friends as well. “You should be grateful.”
It turns out that demanding gratefulness does not in fact produce a grateful heart in another person! Here we are at a difficult crossroads where we can see that gratefulness is important, we can see others operating ungratefully, so our default mode is to expect it and, sometimes, order it. This can unintentionally have the opposite effect, building in someone else bitterness and resentment.
Gratefulness is about truly seeing and appreciating the gifts and, when practiced more deeply and purposefully, the Giver. Let gratefulness start with you and discover how you might joyfully encourage and welcome others to see for themselves.
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In Everything 
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